No more Miss Nice Nurse

Yesterday, I handed in my formal notice of resignation. In 28 days I will no longer be employed! (Aghhh). Can't believe I made it for 18 months with no-one noticing that I never went to university and my qualification was written on grease-proof paper!!

Seriously though. It is a scary prospect and I can't believe how much shock, upset and support I have had from everyone there. If you need an ego boost, quit your job! :)

I look back to my first day of hospital training at university, when I had literally only been inside a hospital twice before, and I spent the whole first day delighting in being able to walk through all those mysterious doors that say NO ADMITTANCE STAFF ONLY. My only task that day was to dress and feed a baby and I was terrified as I couldn't remember being allowed to hold a baby before (I KNOW what you're all thinking, with good reason right! Well, I have never dropped one so far!)

Then after slogging through university, my first day as a 'real' nurse, actually wearing the uniform, having people ask me questions, thinking I HAVE NO IDEA! It is important to note here that doors came into it again as I was delighted that my new hospital has automatic doors throughout and I took great pleasure in pretending to open them with a wave of my hand a la Harry Potter - shall I say here that I did this for the benefit of entertaining my kiddy patients, but I won't admit that I also do it when I'm walking around on my own!! (Whoops...)

So it's been a long journey. I truly cannot believe how much I have learned, the experiences of an emergency department that are now just normal to me, sometimes listening to myself answer questions, give advice, teach, or in a trauma or resus call and thinking, wow, is this me?

I remember leaving work on a high the first week and being called over by a parent standing outside smoking. He started off asking calmly why he had to wait to see a doctor and ended by screaming and yelling at me, kicking over the garbage can and saying if his child died it was my fault. I remember walking calmly back into the hospital and bursting into tears. The nurse in charge must have thought, "They're gonna eat this one alive!!" I am proud of my ability to now (mostly) take it in my stride, answer calmly, ignore threats and give them the finger when they're not looking

(haha!) (just kidding)

It has been uplifting and also completely soul-destroying. I have looked forward so much to going into work and also been more stressed out than I thought possible. I have been yelled at, threatened verbally and physically, I have been so tired, so hyper, laughed with my colleagues til my stomach hurt, bitched about them until I wondered if it was worth it. I love my job and hate it at the same time, I wonder every day why am doing it and can still not see myself doing anything else.

Anyways, still got a month to go, sorry for another reflective piece! I am now going to be late for work again. I should not be allowed to log on to blogger!

Soundtrack for this blogging session:
Garth Brooks - Greatest Hits (feeling nostalgic I guess!)